Just chillin in this rut...

I'm feeling really pessimistic today. So this is going to make for a lovely rant...

I hate that I can't figure things out. I'm feeling so much pressure to figure everything out and get my life in order and honestly, right now I'm feeling like I'm going nowhere. I wish I could, but I really don't know what I want anymore.

I'm desperately trying to figure out who I really am to the core...my potential, my personality, my purpose, everything. I'm getting nothing. I'm trying so hard to figure out a way to utilize all of my talents to do something with myself that will make me happy.

To those who have figured out your lives, I envy you greatly. I envy those who have talents and have found ways to be successful with them. I am talented too, but my problem is I don't have the right talents. What I mean by that is, I can't incorporate my talents into a career. I can't find a single career that seems like something I would do and enjoy and make enough to support myself.

When you're gifts are in the arts, unless you've got something nobody else has, good luck being successful pursuing them. For some careers I would consider, being a woman doesn't help my situation because those fields are male-dominated. If you aren't a woman, you'll never understand how hard it is to have to work twice as hard as a man does at the same job and even do better and still be treated as stupid and inferior. I don't think you understand how defeating that feels.

Then there's the whole confidence thing...I don't have any. That's probably my biggest issue right now and the one that makes me think I should drop out of college and work on my confidence before continuing my education...though oddly enough it's my education that is helping my confidence. I don't know what I need to do to get my shit together. I don't know where to go to get any assistance on how I can figure out what to do with myself. My entire life I have rarely ever asked for help and now I'm hitting a point where I really need it. I guess the other day when I finally got the balls to ask around for help at school and nobody was helping, I felt like nobody at UVU really gives a shit about me. Obviously I can't take to heart how a stupid advisor was incapable of helping me figure out anything or pointing in any direction of where to get some more assistance. There's got to be someone at UVU who cares enough to help a student, but I'm yet to find someone that will at least sympathize with how lost I feel right now.

I really feel alone right now and I feel so much pressure like I'm being pulled from every direction. I feel the need to figure out who I really am and yet everyone seems to keep telling me that I'm not good enough when I'm being myself. I feel like I really should focus on myself and making myself happy, but several people have been pushing me to find someone to marry because "time is running out and soon nobody will be left". Seriously? I don't even love myself, how can I possibly love someone and how could they love me when I'm this insecure? I'm sorry, but I'm so not ready for a relationship and I don't think it would be fair to punish anyone else with my insecurity. I feel the need to develop my spirituality in my own non-religious way, but few people seem to be sympathetic enough to understand why it's so difficult for me to believe in religion. Believe me, I've tried and don't give me any bullshit about me being lazy and not trying hard enough. If you've never felt this way before, then you won't understand what I'm talking about.

I want so much for my life and right now it seems that everything is so unachievable like every dream I have is impractical. I really miss those days when I was a kid and felt like everything was possible and everything in the world was brilliant and magical. It sucks when you realize that life doesn't go the way you want it and most of time it's your own fault. What's even worse is the guilt from complaining about how crappy I feel and knowing that someone else's life sucks even worse.

I'm really tired. I think part of this sudden negativity has to do with school burn out with finals, but I feel a little better now that I've typed this all out of me.

I think I'll go take a nap. Writing this entry really kicked the crap out of me.