I have always lived my life without any regrets. I think for the first time in 23 years, I have one. Slowly it is raising it's ugly little head and it certainly isn't a pretty sight. It's nothing terrible. Just something that is currently embarrassing the hell out of me to the point where I'm losing my mind. I can't seem to forgive myself and I'm doing whatever I can to drive the point home to never be naive like that again.
The biggest problem is the way I'm going about feeling through the regret is actually making the situation worse. I'm punishing and abusing myself with it. Now it's eating me alive. I've always lived with the phrase "Never regret anything that once made you smile." This may be the first time in my life that even the satisfaction I once got out of it didn't last. Instead, the pain from the impermanence of it has ultimately destroyed my happiness. I knew it wasn't going to end well, but I had no idea it would hurt this much. I had no clue in my mind. It has been months and the pain hasn't really gone away. Why can't I let it go? Of all the things I can let go of so easily, why not this?
Maybe this "mistake" wasn't a mistake at all. Maybe it was meant to be like some kind of lesson I needed to learn... or maybe it's the biggest coincidence of my life and I'm just trying to make meaning out of it so I can diminish my embarrassment. Sometimes I feel like this situation from the beginning was beyond my control. It felt like I was suddenly strapped to a conveyor belt - I had no choice but to go that direction like this was where I was supposed to be headed. Everything in my life that happened previously seemed to lead me to this very moment. It was too perfect.
The most painful experiences end up being the most valuable. Right now, I'm not sure I understand what I am supposed to get out of it yet since I am actually still fighting my way out of it. I've learned certain things from it so far... mostly to not get attached so easily.
I really regret the attachment.
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