go to sleep...go to sleep...go to sleep...

For the past few days, sleeping has become a bit of a chore. It's the same old story. I can usually fall asleep when I get into my bed, but I always wake up a little while later and cannot for the life of me relax enough to get back to sleep. Sometimes my heart is racing for no reason. Sometimes my mind is running thought marathons. Sometimes I wake up panicking for no good reason. Sometimes the anxiety is so intense that there is no possibility of me talking myself out of it. It's so intense that writing or drawing it out doesn't work. Even a book, a movie on Netflix, music, or playing video games doesn't ease the irrational fear of nothing. It exhausts me - Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. You name it.

I need to eat better and get more magnesium into my diet. I need to do better with drinking more water. I need to reestablish my nighttime routine, including drinking jasmine tea before bed to relax my body. I might try kava kava and see if it helps with my latest anxiety and sleep problems. I'm looking into aromatherapy and finding ways to use it to help me to relax while sleeping, doing deep breathing exercises, or meditating. I need to start writing in my journal again and dump my ridiculous thoughts there and exorcise all the shit going on in my brain. I need to try to avoid caffeine or intake less - caffeine makes my heart beat too fast if I have too much and make it feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I also need to do a better job at reconnecting with people I have lost contact with over the years. 

Ah, there's so much to do... and the anxiety continues. 

Silly me.

What I Want

I want to... - Sleep under the stars - Run barefoot outside in a heavy snow storm wearing only a tank top and shorts - Jump in puddles - Climb trees - Climb mountains - Explore forests and oceans - Study art history and architecture - Study literature and languages - Eat healthier and exercise regularly - Do yoga and meditate regularly - Take a sketchbook with me everywhere - Hug trees - Touch the leaves on the trees and flower petals - Walk barefoot along the beach - Stare at the moon - Tell stories around a campire - Take photographs of everything I find beautiful - Stay up all night playing video games - Build a fort with chairs, pillows, and blankets and sleep in it - insist on reading children's books to a sick friend - Buy many many many more books - Fill entire notebooks with stream of consciousness writings - Go on regular roadtrips - Believe in hugging and kissing - Write anonymous letters to complete strangers - Have a movie marathon - Spend more time around horses simply to feel their velvety lips against my hand when I feed them - Share every thought in my head no matter how random or ridiculous it may be - Cry when I need to - Throw parties for the hell of it - Take more bubble baths - Celebrate my favorite author's birthdays - Have a picnic in a tree - Make collages - Buy a nerf gun - Take a floral design class - Buy a harmonica and annoy the hell out of everyone while attempting to play it - Learn to play the ukelele - Go to a toy store and play with everything - Go to an aquarium - Always wear bright colored socks - Start a nature journal - collect leaves, sketch plants, etc - Create my own recipe book - Cook more, eat less fast food - Practice calligraphy - Practice embroidery stitches - Start doing henna tattoos - Travel the world - Stop apologizing for everything - Be daring enough to allow someone to get close to me - drop every wall and risk the rejection and humiliation - Speak up when staying silent would cause more harm than good - be assertive and bitchy when necessary :) - Take someone to Yellowstone for their first time - Realize that making mistakes is normal and striving for perfection is completely unrealistic - Gain control over my anxiety, so that fear doesnt control everything in my life - Travel so far away by myself that Im no longer afraid of not coming back

Every single night's a fight with my brain...

I cannot think of another song that can describe my mind better than this one - the constant struggle between who you really are vs who you want to be, insomnia, the desire for more when there is seemingly very little hope, combatting what I call the "constant shit storm in my brain" (aka anxiety and depression), etc. Amazing song.

I haven't been able to listen to Fiona's most recent album all the way through because I've had some songs on repeat for days. I used to claim her second album, When the Pawn..., as the one album that resonated with me the most. I think this album may quickly take it's spot though. It's really good. I relate a little too much with it lyrically.

Oh, Fiona. You've stolen my heart with your music once again.

My Favorite Words

I love words. It comes from my love of literature and how words can evoke certain emotions. I'm going to compile a list of my favorite words - some of these words I find fun to say, some have significant meaning, some I love for the imagery that the words bring to mind, and some of them I overuse in daily conversation, etc. I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot of my favorites, but these are the ones that immediately spring to mind.

A

Abominable

Absolutely

Abyss

Aesthetic

Affinity

Alluring

Amaranth

Amethyst

Amygdala

Anatomically

Annihilation

Anthropomorphism

Aquiesce

Arsenic

Asphyxiate

Audacious

Autumn

B

Beloved

"Bloody Brilliant"

Breathe

C

Calamity

Cataclysmic

Cathartic/Catharsis

Caveat

Chartreuse

Cinders

Coercion

Conundrum

Convoluted

Crimson

Crystalline

D

Dastardly

Decrepit

Defenestration

Deliquescence

Demure

Deoxyribonucleic acid

Desolate

Dichotomy

Dilapidated

Disambiguation

Dissonance

Divinity

E

Eccentricity

Eclectic

Ecstasy

Effervescent

Elixir

Eloquence

Emerald

Empyrean

Enigma

Ennui

Ephemeral

Epiphany

Equilibrium

Esoteric

Espionage

Ethereal

Euphoria

Eviscerate

Evocative

Exquisite

F

Facade

Facetious

Fantastic

Fascinating (I usually use this sarcastically)

Feign

Filigree

G

Gallivanting

Grostesque

H

Hollow

I

Iconoclast

Idyllic

Imbue

Incandescent

Incognito

Indeed

Indelibly

Indigo

Indubitably

Inebriated

Ineffable

Ingenuity

Insidious

Intuition

Irenic

Ivory

Ivy

K

Kaleidoscope

L

Labyrinth

Livid

Loquacious

Lore

Lucid

Lullaby

Luminescent

M

Maelstrom

Magnificent

Maleficent

Malevolent

Manifestation

Masquerade

Mausoleum

Melancholia

Mellifluous

Mesmerize

Myriad

N

Nefarious

Nemesis

Nephalim

Nonchalant

Norepinephrine

Nosferatu (I know this is a name of a vampire, but I like it)

Nostalgia

O

Oblivion

Occipital

Ominous

P

Pandemonium

Parallelogram (I had a friend in high school who could not pronounce this word to save her life - the word makes me smile now) 

Paraphernalia

Pensive

Penumbra

Percolate

Phantom

Phenomenal

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (Too much fun to say!)

Plethora

Preternatural

Pristine

Q

Quasihemidemisemiquaver

R

Rambunctious

Rejuvenation

Resonate

Reverie

S

Sapphire

Sassy

Sequoia

Serenity

Shenanigan

Solemn

Soliloquy

Stifled

Supernal

Surreal

Sycophant

Symposium

Synchronicity

Synesthesia

T

Tempestuous

Tintinnabulation (comes from one of my favorite poems by Edgar Allan Poe, "The Bells")

Transcendant

Tumultuous

U

Ubiquitous

Ukelele

Undulate

Unique

V

Vacant

Verbose

Vicissitude

Visceral

Viscosity

Vivacious

W

Whisper

Willow

Winter

Your turn. What are your favorite words?

The Little Things Pt 2

Today I went biking up the canyon and it was so much fun! Sure, Im completely out of shape and I was choking on all the smoke and ash from all the forest fires nearby, but it was still a beautiful day. During the ride, I noticed there were some monarch butterflies flying around the trail and said to my sister "Wow. I honestly havent seen one of those since I was younger." it made my heart smile. One of my absolute favorite childhood memories was of the butterfly migration. Every year there was always one day in June where thousands of monarch butterflies would pass through. One particular time when I was 4, they all flew down my street. It was like a wall of butterflies. I ran outside in the street and stood there with my arms stretched out as the butterflies flew all around me. Their wings lightly flapped against every part of me, including my face. It was the greatest moment of my life at that point. I recalled that memory while riding and it made me smile. I had only seen maybe 3 butterflies along the trail instead of thousands, but it made me happy. My sister and I had probably been riding for another mile and a half when I saw another monarch butterfly flying around the trail. I said "I love this! It makes me so happy to see these butterflies." As soon as I said that, the butterfly started following my sister and I and weaving around us. And then it flew really close to me and flapped it's wings against my arm and then landed on my shoulder. It stayed for only 4 seconds but it made my entire day. It was perfect in every way. I dont think Ive smiled that much in awhile.

Silence

Today after work I came home, I changed into a tank top and shorts (I NEVER wear shorts) and sat outside in the sun for the hell of it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had a chance to just sit in the sun and really appreciate that tingly feeling of sun's warmth on my skin. I closed my eyes, listened to the wind in the trees, and focused on everything that was happening in the present moment. It was great and extremely relaxing. I usually despise the sun, so it was odd for me to do this.

I have always tried to meditate and haven't been able to do it for very long without becoming overwhelmed by the amount of thoughts racing around in my mind. I really need to set aside about 5 or 10 minutes a day to sit in silence although it can be rather frustrating to me. It makes all the difference in the world to feel that relaxed, even if it only lasts a minute and fades as quickly as the relaxation came upon me. For me, beginning meditation is kind of like inviting my anxiety to kick my ass. There always comes a point in my meditation practice where the anxiety completely takes over me where I say, "Well, fuck this" and give up. I know it's good for me to face that anxiety. There is something about silence that makes the raging shit storm in your head seem much worse. However, it's probably better to face your demons then spend your life trying to run from them. I'm learning that while it is incredibly disheartening to find out how screwed up I really am, it's better to be aware of my weaknesses and work on them. I just need to remember to take baby steps instead of focusing on the giant list of everything that is completely wrong with me. I should emphasize the things that I do right - however small THAT list may be in my mind, it really is so much better to focus on my potential instead of focusing on the things I cannot do.

On an unrelated note, the moon looks absolutely beautiful tonight. However fragile meditation makes me, leave it to the moon to heal me a little. <3

99 Things

I stole this from Jamie's (my sister in law) blog. You should check it out: http://juststuffforfun.blogspot.com/.

99 things.

Bold the things that you have done on the list.

1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band

4. Visited Hawaii

5. Watched a meteor shower

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland

8. Climbed a mountain

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo

11. Bungee jumped

12. Visited Paris

13. Watched a lightening storm

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch

15. Adopted a child

16. Had food poisoning

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France

20. Slept on an overnight train

21. Had a pillow fight

22. Hitch hiked

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (does faking sick when you're a kid count?)

24. Built a snow fort

25. Held a lamb

26. Gone skinny dipping

27. Run a Marathon

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing 

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke

42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted

48. Gone deep sea fishing

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theater

55. Been in a movie 

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business

58. Taken a martial arts class

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching

63. Got flowers for no reason

64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp

67. Bounced a check

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favorite childhood toy

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone

78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper

85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox

89. Saved someone’s life

90. Sat on a jury

91. Met someone famous

92. Joined a book club

93. Got a tattoo

94. Had a baby

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit 

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

I've done 35 out of 99 things on this list... hmm... I really need to get on the ball and complete some stuff on my bucket list. A lot of stuff I want to do in my life is on this list.

What have you completed on this list?