Okay. For those who haven't already heard, I am planning a 6-7 day solo trip to Yellowstone. I already booked my reservations. All I need to do is show up.
I have been amazed by the amount of criticism about my decision to do this. So, here you go - my answers to the most common questions I have been asked since my announcement about this trip.
1.) "Why in the world do you want to go to Yellowstone alone?"
First of all, I blame it on my last trip to Yellowstone last June in 2011. While I went with my parents, there were several moments where I wandered off on my own to explore. Those were the moments that I treasured most about my time spent there. In fact, there came a point in the trip where I ditched my parents and wandered alone more often - there were things I wanted to see that they did not care about. It's amazing what you will discover in Yellowstone when you wander a little bit, even if it's exploring the area around a rest stop - unexpected gorgeous views, fragrant wild flowers, wild animals off in the distance, animal bones, etc. I had nothing, but positive experiences when I was left by myself or wandered off. It was kind of amazing the way people responded to me and part of that had to do with my camera - people treated me like I was some kind of expert (talk about a major ego boost for an insecure girl). I pointed animals out to children and watched them squeal in excitement and then they pointed them out to their parents saying I helped them. Occasionally I struck up conversations with the other tourists who seemed indecisive about where they should go next in the park and gave them advice, although the exchanges were often brief, I met some of the most incredible people and my parents had no idea until I told them. I rubbed shoulders with wildlife photographers and asked them questions about their equipment. People came up to me when I was alone when I was taking a picture and simply said "I've never seen anywhere in the world like this place. Isn't it so incredible?" I love those moments - LOVE!
Second, going alone will allow me to make my own choice about where I want to be and for how long. If I'm tired of watching a bear, I can just leave and move on. If I want to sleep in until 11am (yeah right, I would never do that...), I could. There were moments I felt rushed. There were moments I wanted to take 20 minutes to write in my journal because some experience or something I saw took my breath away and it would be dumb to not document my powerful feelings about it. There were times I wanted to pull out my sketch book and draw for a little while, but there was never any time because we were headed off somewhere else or my dad was tired and wanted to go back to the cabin. I want to have the opportunity to spend as much time somewhere as I want.
Third, I want to do this for myself. Solo travel is something I have always wanted to do. Why? Because I have allowed my whole life to be controlled by fear. Little by little, I'm learning that I don't need to be afraid of everything. There is still goodness in the world and some people truly are good at heart. I'm very good at pushing people away and keeping them as far away from me as possible. I need to learn to reconnect with people and trust them. This trip will challenge me in so many ways. Solo travel will also help me to trust my intuition to avoid bad situations. It will help me learn more independence and self-sufficiency. Yeah, I'm nervous. Yeah, there are things about this trip that scare me a little bit, but mostly because I've never done anything on my own like this before. Sure, it would be more ideal to go to Yellowstone with more people, but honestly, I've never felt so sure that this is the right thing to do for myself now.
Fourth, I picked Yellowstone because I have been there before. I am very familiar with it and feel like I can handle being alone there. It will be different and challenging, but in a way it will be comforting for me. I plan on doing solo travel internationally at some point, I figure I should get some practice with solo travel in the States.
2.) "Are you crazy/stupid/out of your mind?"
Actually, yes - that's part of the reason I am doing this. I have an anxiety disorder and it prevents me from believing in my ability to do things on my own and that the world is a scary place and I should stay within the layers and layers of walls I have built around myself to prevent myself from getting hurt. Consider this trip a form of therapy. Honestly, this trip is less expensive than therapy, and I'm positive I will walk away with more confidence than I would from talking face to face with a therapist. I actually have been talking to a therapist about my desire for solo travel and she recommended that it would be good for me and that I should start with a place that I love and am familiar with and work from there. Of course, I'm going to choose Yellowstone.
3.) "Why not just work there over the summer?"
I'm actually still considering it, but I think I need an actual solo trip to challenge me. By working in the park, I still would rely on other people to take care of me. With a solo trip, I only have myself. That's what I'm going for - can I survive on my own in a beautiful, but dangerous place? Depending on how this trip goes, I'll probably quit my current job this winter or next spring and work in Yellowstone next summer.
4.) "What if you get attacked or eaten by wolves?"
First of all, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! When was the last time that you heard about a wolf attacking a person, especially in Yellowstone? Wolves generally want NOTHING to do with humans. By the way, I'm not planning on hiking in areas where wolves will be present, but thank you for your concern.
5.) "What if you get attacked or eaten by mountain lions?"
Again, when was the last time you heard about mountain lion attacks in Yellowstone? There are so few mountain lions in the park and they are such a rare sight that you'd have to be hiking way out in the backcountry to actually find one. I have a better chance of getting attacked by a lynx in Yellowstone than getting attacked by a mountain lion. Again, like the previous question, I won't be hiking around in the backcountry where mountain lions are present.
6.) "What if you get attacked or eaten by bears?"
Okay, NOW you're onto something that is a realistic concern. People get attacked by bears every year in Yellowstone and that's because they did something seriously wrong like hiking in the back country alone, without bear spray, and hiked in an area they knew bears were currently present in the area. Again, I'm not planning on doing a lot of serious hiking and if I do, I will go on ranger-led hikes or ask some people if I can tag along so I'm not alone and vulnerable. I'm aware of the risks of being alone in bear country. I will have bear spray and I won't be in areas by myself where I'm going to take a bear by surprise. There are plenty of safety precautions I can take to ensure that my experience in Yellowstone will be safe and enjoyable - it just might require a little more boldness from me like asking people to join their group.
7.) "What if you get gored by bison, elk, moose, etc?"
Honestly, this is my biggest fear. Of all the wildlife, I'm more afraid of the bison and anything with horns/antlers than I am of the carnivorous creatures. I always have been. Bison are very territorial and will charge you if you get too close. Generally if you keep your distance, you'll be okay. As long as you run faster than someone else, you'll probably be fine. Morbid, I know. ;) I'm not planning on petting any of these animals, so I don't think I'm going to run into any major problems with bison.
8.) "You're going to get raped/murdered/kidnapped/sold into the sex trade/etc..."
I am more afraid of the two-legged creatures than the four-legged ones. I'll have bear spray with me and luckily it works for both two-legged and four-legged creatures. Plus, I am quite vicious and I know I would be a straight up bitch in self-defense mode.
9.) "Are you going to camp in a tent?"
Nope. I'm staying in a cabin.
10.) "What if your car breaks down?"
Well, that would really suck. However, I'm getting a AAA membership.
11.) "How are people going to know where you are with little to no cell phone coverage?"
I will use a GPS tracking device that updates my whereabouts on a map for my loved ones back home.
12.) "What are you going to do?"
Ha! What I usually do - wildlife watching, drive around, take pictures, explore, have picnics in gorgeous places, watch geyser eruptions, boat on Yellowstone Lake, sketch, hike (this may be a bit limited due to being alone), relax, learn about myself, challenge myself, etc.
I'm sure there are other questions and concerns that people have. Either way, I appreciate your concern about me, but I truly believe that this trip will help me build more confidence.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Cliche
When I was little, my family didn't have much money. If I listened to music, it was either on the radio, on MTV and VH1 (you know, when they actually played music), records I borrowed from the library (my family didn't have a cd player for a long time), or someone else's cassette tapes. I loved music and hated that I never really had any tapes or cds to call my own. Perhaps that was a contributing factor to my love of music - I had to work my butt off to get exposure to it.
I have always been a big soundtrack nerd. In fact, as a child, I probably liked a movie if the soundtrack was good. I never owned any soundtracks, but always wanted one. My favorite soundtrack as a kid was The Lion King, no, not the songs with words, I was drawn to the music in the background. It was probably from that moment that I began really paying attention to soundtracks and picking songs apart and focusing on certain sounds.
In 1997, when I was 10, my oldest sister got married and we never really saw each other after that. One day she sent me a cassette tape with a letter saying that she saw the movie Titanic and the music was really great. She said that she was sure I would love it. Honestly, I think I was more excited about having my very own cassette tape of something. I popped it in and listened to it over and over and over again. I absolutely LOVED the soundtrack. I hadn't even seen the movie, but decided I loved it based on the music. It wasn't until Titanic was released on VHS before I saw it for the first time and I finally got to see the scenes that went along with the music. In ways I was disappointed because what I pictured in my mind as the scene was so much more beautiful than what the scene really was and in other ways, it fueled the magic that the music created for me.
I know it's really cliche of me to talk about this movie, especially lately when they re-released it for no good reason. I'm not really a fan of the movie, but the soundtrack is good. I hadn't listened to the soundtrack in probably 10 or so years until a few weeks ago. I was amazed at the memories that flooded back when listening to it.
Here are some of my favorite songs from the album:
Southampton:
It sounds really dorky now, but when I was 10, this song absolutely blew my mind. It reminded me of the original trailer because this song began playing when Rose steps out of the car with her giant hat and lifts her head exposing her face for the first time in the movie. Ever since I saw Sense and Sensibility I absolutely adored Kate Winslet and to me she just looked SO beautiful. To me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. This song represented the excitement and wonder of the movie itself to me. I would rewind this song over and over again and listen to it. I thought it was magical.
Rose:
Oh yes, the stereotypical favorite song of the movie. I thought it was beautiful as a kid. Now, when I listen to it, I laugh. Somewhere in the back of my head I just hear "JACK!"... "ROSE!"... "JACK!"... "ROSE!"... because that's almost all you hear during the entire film.
Ocean of Memories:
Honestly, I don't like the song except for one section of it. I would listen to it over and over again and "dance" to it. I listened to it the other night for the first time in years and I still think it's beautiful, but honestly, that section is the only really good part of the song. The section of the song I'm talking about is: 1:33-2:20 but especially 1:33-1:58. The rest of it, I don't really care for. This is the one song that pissed me off about the part in the movie. I would have thought that my favorite section would have a significant part in the movie and it doesn't, in fact, Im not really sure it's in the movie.
Third Class Party scene:
This song was excluded from the soundtrack, but when I actually saw the movie, I absolutely LOVED the music from this scene. I'm sad that you can't find this song anywhere, except for a version that was released later with soundbites from the movie. The music is just too great. I wish more people had parties like this these days.
I have always been a big soundtrack nerd. In fact, as a child, I probably liked a movie if the soundtrack was good. I never owned any soundtracks, but always wanted one. My favorite soundtrack as a kid was The Lion King, no, not the songs with words, I was drawn to the music in the background. It was probably from that moment that I began really paying attention to soundtracks and picking songs apart and focusing on certain sounds.
In 1997, when I was 10, my oldest sister got married and we never really saw each other after that. One day she sent me a cassette tape with a letter saying that she saw the movie Titanic and the music was really great. She said that she was sure I would love it. Honestly, I think I was more excited about having my very own cassette tape of something. I popped it in and listened to it over and over and over again. I absolutely LOVED the soundtrack. I hadn't even seen the movie, but decided I loved it based on the music. It wasn't until Titanic was released on VHS before I saw it for the first time and I finally got to see the scenes that went along with the music. In ways I was disappointed because what I pictured in my mind as the scene was so much more beautiful than what the scene really was and in other ways, it fueled the magic that the music created for me.
I know it's really cliche of me to talk about this movie, especially lately when they re-released it for no good reason. I'm not really a fan of the movie, but the soundtrack is good. I hadn't listened to the soundtrack in probably 10 or so years until a few weeks ago. I was amazed at the memories that flooded back when listening to it.
Here are some of my favorite songs from the album:
Southampton:
It sounds really dorky now, but when I was 10, this song absolutely blew my mind. It reminded me of the original trailer because this song began playing when Rose steps out of the car with her giant hat and lifts her head exposing her face for the first time in the movie. Ever since I saw Sense and Sensibility I absolutely adored Kate Winslet and to me she just looked SO beautiful. To me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. This song represented the excitement and wonder of the movie itself to me. I would rewind this song over and over again and listen to it. I thought it was magical.
Rose:
Oh yes, the stereotypical favorite song of the movie. I thought it was beautiful as a kid. Now, when I listen to it, I laugh. Somewhere in the back of my head I just hear "JACK!"... "ROSE!"... "JACK!"... "ROSE!"... because that's almost all you hear during the entire film.
Ocean of Memories:
Honestly, I don't like the song except for one section of it. I would listen to it over and over again and "dance" to it. I listened to it the other night for the first time in years and I still think it's beautiful, but honestly, that section is the only really good part of the song. The section of the song I'm talking about is: 1:33-2:20 but especially 1:33-1:58. The rest of it, I don't really care for. This is the one song that pissed me off about the part in the movie. I would have thought that my favorite section would have a significant part in the movie and it doesn't, in fact, Im not really sure it's in the movie.
Third Class Party scene:
This song was excluded from the soundtrack, but when I actually saw the movie, I absolutely LOVED the music from this scene. I'm sad that you can't find this song anywhere, except for a version that was released later with soundbites from the movie. The music is just too great. I wish more people had parties like this these days.
Music May
I've decided the only way I'm ever going to start writing on this blog again is to come up with topics to write about.
So...
For the month of May, I will write on music. I will talk about various songs that have impacted me in different ways during different times of my life. Many of the songs I will talk about will probably only have a real meaning to me, so there may be times where you say "But Jo, that song seriously sucks." Yeah, you're probably right, but there's always a reason why I love a song.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Wanderlust
I've been bitten by that horrible Wanderlust bug again. The effects are not wearing off AT ALL.
When I was about 16, I wanted to volunteer to teach English in China. Over the years, more and more countries peak my interest. Amazingly, I'm coming to find more and more volunteer opportunities are presenting themselves to me. I got the travel bug pretty bad when I was 19 or 20 and started researching various programs that I could get involved in overseas. I would make lists and lists of countries I wanted to visit. I didn't have a job then that would allow me to earn enough money to make traveling a possibility. Also, ages 19-23 were a pretty shaky time period for me. I didn't know who I was and what I really wanted. I decided to set those dreams aside until the time came when I was ready to pack up and leave the country on my own.
So far in January I have been looking through my Bucketlist and have made several lists of things I want to do with myself this year that would help me get to a place of self respect and self love. I was digging around my room when I came across all the volunteer program booklets and brochures from when I was 19 years old and flipped through all of them. My eyes lit up and I was like "Holy crap! I could totally do any of these programs now!"
I have let my imagination go wild and I have done so much research on various countries and how safe it would be for a girl to travel on her own. I have read travel blog after travel blog of people who volunteered various places and I am so convinced that now is the time to start saving my money and finally make the jump. The only problem is I'm to the point where I'm about to drop out of college and work at a million different jobs, so I can earn a lot of money just to travel all around the world. I'm not sure that's the best idea in the world, but I am sure of one thing. My world traveling days are just about to arrive and I've never been more excited in my entire life!
I keep going back and forth on what the best first time trip will be for me, but I'm saving up my money now so I can go anywhere I want. The downside is that I know once I leave the country I won't be able to stay in one place ever again. This means that while I may be going to school Fall and Spring, I'll probably be working in various National Parks here in the US. I've already started outlining potential road trips to different States and all the stuff I want to see. I'm overwhelmed by my list of Must See Places, but it fills me with excitement and possibility something I haven't felt in a really long time.
All I know is that my sense of adventure is increasing tremendously. I want to go hiking, biking, running, canoeing, etc. I want to go everywhere and do everything even if it sounds kind of crazy. I've done a really good job making my life boring. It's time to end that and make my life more enjoyable.
Traveling solo is probably the best thing I can do for myself at this time. It will force me to get to know myself, trust my own instincts, and build more self-confidence and self-reliance.
I realize most people are going to say "But that's crazy! That's totally unsafe!" Yeah, solo travel has it's dangers and disadvantages, but if you plan it right and you know how to handle yourself, it's just fine. Ireland, Amsterdam, Australia, and SEVERAL other countries are some of the top countries that women unanimously have said are very safe for solo travel and they never experienced harassment. Southeast Asia (Thailand, Cambodia, etc) is considered quite safe too as long as you stay away from the red light districts. India is ranked as being safe, but most women agree that is for more experienced solo travelers. Touristy areas of Israel and Jordan are relatively safe (certain areas definitely need to be avoided!). Turkey can be great, but you have to know how to handle yourself if guys try to pursue you. Africa has areas that MUST be avoided at all costs due to political upheaval, but if you know where the safe areas are and plan your trip well, you'll be just fine. Obviously I'm not trying to jump on a plane to a war torn country, so the areas that are extremely dangerous aren't even areas I'm considering.
My first trip will most likely be with a volunteer organization, so I will have a safety net within the country which will ease my first time solo travel anxiety a bit (as well as my family's anxiety about me traveling), especially when I'm so petite and look quite young.
Anyway, I may be obsessing about travel for awhile. If anyone has travel suggestions, let me know. I want to do it right as well as safe.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
2012
Confession: I haven't wished anyone a Happy New Year yet.
The Reason: I was sobbing a few minutes before the new year began. I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed by all the work I need to do in order to get myself to a better place. I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my life from this point on and I felt lonely and the only person I wanted to talk to was Nick. I started thinking about my 2011 mistakes and out of nowhere I thought about the guy I used to like and relived the heartache for a few brief moments. Midnight. I popped a few sleeping pills into my mouth and chased them with a glass of water. Then I got into bed and watch a documentary as always and finally fell asleep around 2 am.
Something weird must have happened during the night because I woke up the next morning ready to start this new year.
I haven’t written anything for awhile because I’ve been doing so much thinking and planning. There are so many things I want to do this year. It’s both exciting and scary.
On New Year’s Eve of 2010, I decided that 2011 would be the year of self-discovery.
So, with that in mind, here’s a break down of 2011:
January-
Heartbroken. I was filled with confusion and regret. Pushed myself in classes to speak up, I got a lot of respect from professors and other people in class. Started to feel proud of myself.
February-
Finally found some resolution to my heartbreak and got the answers I needed to move on.
March-
Worked extremely hard in school. Paid more attention to problems in the world than ever before.
April-
Earned my very first 4.0 gpa in college. Confusion about my future plans really ate at me. Spent most of the month going through lists and lists of possible careers only to feel more confused and lost about what I want to major in.
May-
Heartbreak returned on and off. I bought “George Glass” (my Canon T2i) and spent hours taking pictures.
June-
More answers, more clarity, mixed with more confusion, and more sadness, anxiety and stress. Worked hard at my job only to feel burnt out every day. Went to Yellowstone and literally took THOUSANDS of pictures. I learned a lot about myself on the trip. I realized I had a lot to work on in order to get myself where I want to be in life.
July-
I slammed the book shut on a chapter of my life and decided to focus on finding who I really am by making major changes. I changed my diet and felt happier and healthier.
August
More self-discovery. I started my Fall semester and worked really hard. I started feeling oddly low towards the end of the month. My mind started feeling heavy.
September-
I felt really off. I had a discussion with a friend about feeling severely depressed and anxious for no reason at all. At the end of the month, I got news that a friend of mine passed away weeks before. I completely shut down.
October-
The lowest point of this year…and quite possibly my entire life. After becoming completely preoccupied with thoughts of death and dying, I signed up for therapy.
November-
Started therapy and luckily was assigned to a girl who has a personality that meshes well with mine. She’s laidback, funny, and very compassionate. I realized how horribly I view myself and how my self-loathing is creating major problems in my life. Until I learn to like myself, things are going to be VERY bad for me. I noticed A LOT of my personality flaws. My therapist gently pushes me in the direction to make the necessary changes. Slowly things have been turning around for me.
December-
Continuation of therapy. Finished this semester with a 3.9 gpa. Spent many weeks focusing on where I want to go in life and what I’m going to need to work on in order to get there. These days my depression is a bit more manageable. My anxiety is out of control though and need to work on more relaxation strategies. I can’t seem to sleep at all. I found out that biofeedback is available at my school for free. I need to do it to find out how I relax best. I’ve been really missing my friend Nick, and I think a lot of my sleep problems have something to do with this.
As for 2012:
I have made many plans for this new year. Sure, a lot of it is so I don’t feel hopeless and it’s a strategy to keep me going another day, but I intend on developing a better relationship with myself. I have decided that 2012 will be the year of self-love. I’m going to really focus on liking myself more. It’s going to be rough. My last therapy session made me realize the extreme depth of my self-hatred. It’s bad. It’s really bad. Even my therapist was shocked at how negatively I referred to myself and that I couldn’t even sympathize for a child version of me. It’s no wonder I have no self-esteem. I want to turn this around this year…or at least start. I’ve got 24 years of hating myself to reverse. It’s going to take a lot. I think one of the best strategies I can think of is to do positive journaling. I’m still keeping this blog though. Sure, I’ll probably write negative stuff here as always, but I’m going to try to be a little more encouraging with myself. The keyword here is: TRY.
I’m too negative though and I’ve developed a habit of negative thinking, which is ripping me apart and making it harder for me to live more positively. Sure, I realize that no matter what I do, life won’t be all sunshine, butterflies, and pretty unicorns jumping over rainbows, but the way I think isn’t working for me and it’s not working for the people around me either. I’m ruining my life and I have big dreams that won’t be possible until I get healthier, happier, and more confident. It all starts with becoming my own best friend and then from there I can learn how to let other people into my life.
I found a quote the other day that really struck me and that's because I'm such a perfectionist and making mistakes is humiliating for me. Here it is:
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
So, Happy New Year to all of you!
I love you all!
The Reason: I was sobbing a few minutes before the new year began. I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed by all the work I need to do in order to get myself to a better place. I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my life from this point on and I felt lonely and the only person I wanted to talk to was Nick. I started thinking about my 2011 mistakes and out of nowhere I thought about the guy I used to like and relived the heartache for a few brief moments. Midnight. I popped a few sleeping pills into my mouth and chased them with a glass of water. Then I got into bed and watch a documentary as always and finally fell asleep around 2 am.
Something weird must have happened during the night because I woke up the next morning ready to start this new year.
I haven’t written anything for awhile because I’ve been doing so much thinking and planning. There are so many things I want to do this year. It’s both exciting and scary.
On New Year’s Eve of 2010, I decided that 2011 would be the year of self-discovery.
So, with that in mind, here’s a break down of 2011:
January-
Heartbroken. I was filled with confusion and regret. Pushed myself in classes to speak up, I got a lot of respect from professors and other people in class. Started to feel proud of myself.
February-
Finally found some resolution to my heartbreak and got the answers I needed to move on.
March-
Worked extremely hard in school. Paid more attention to problems in the world than ever before.
April-
Earned my very first 4.0 gpa in college. Confusion about my future plans really ate at me. Spent most of the month going through lists and lists of possible careers only to feel more confused and lost about what I want to major in.
May-
Heartbreak returned on and off. I bought “George Glass” (my Canon T2i) and spent hours taking pictures.
June-
More answers, more clarity, mixed with more confusion, and more sadness, anxiety and stress. Worked hard at my job only to feel burnt out every day. Went to Yellowstone and literally took THOUSANDS of pictures. I learned a lot about myself on the trip. I realized I had a lot to work on in order to get myself where I want to be in life.
July-
I slammed the book shut on a chapter of my life and decided to focus on finding who I really am by making major changes. I changed my diet and felt happier and healthier.
August
More self-discovery. I started my Fall semester and worked really hard. I started feeling oddly low towards the end of the month. My mind started feeling heavy.
September-
I felt really off. I had a discussion with a friend about feeling severely depressed and anxious for no reason at all. At the end of the month, I got news that a friend of mine passed away weeks before. I completely shut down.
October-
The lowest point of this year…and quite possibly my entire life. After becoming completely preoccupied with thoughts of death and dying, I signed up for therapy.
November-
Started therapy and luckily was assigned to a girl who has a personality that meshes well with mine. She’s laidback, funny, and very compassionate. I realized how horribly I view myself and how my self-loathing is creating major problems in my life. Until I learn to like myself, things are going to be VERY bad for me. I noticed A LOT of my personality flaws. My therapist gently pushes me in the direction to make the necessary changes. Slowly things have been turning around for me.
December-
Continuation of therapy. Finished this semester with a 3.9 gpa. Spent many weeks focusing on where I want to go in life and what I’m going to need to work on in order to get there. These days my depression is a bit more manageable. My anxiety is out of control though and need to work on more relaxation strategies. I can’t seem to sleep at all. I found out that biofeedback is available at my school for free. I need to do it to find out how I relax best. I’ve been really missing my friend Nick, and I think a lot of my sleep problems have something to do with this.
As for 2012:
I have made many plans for this new year. Sure, a lot of it is so I don’t feel hopeless and it’s a strategy to keep me going another day, but I intend on developing a better relationship with myself. I have decided that 2012 will be the year of self-love. I’m going to really focus on liking myself more. It’s going to be rough. My last therapy session made me realize the extreme depth of my self-hatred. It’s bad. It’s really bad. Even my therapist was shocked at how negatively I referred to myself and that I couldn’t even sympathize for a child version of me. It’s no wonder I have no self-esteem. I want to turn this around this year…or at least start. I’ve got 24 years of hating myself to reverse. It’s going to take a lot. I think one of the best strategies I can think of is to do positive journaling. I’m still keeping this blog though. Sure, I’ll probably write negative stuff here as always, but I’m going to try to be a little more encouraging with myself. The keyword here is: TRY.
I’m too negative though and I’ve developed a habit of negative thinking, which is ripping me apart and making it harder for me to live more positively. Sure, I realize that no matter what I do, life won’t be all sunshine, butterflies, and pretty unicorns jumping over rainbows, but the way I think isn’t working for me and it’s not working for the people around me either. I’m ruining my life and I have big dreams that won’t be possible until I get healthier, happier, and more confident. It all starts with becoming my own best friend and then from there I can learn how to let other people into my life.
I found a quote the other day that really struck me and that's because I'm such a perfectionist and making mistakes is humiliating for me. Here it is:
"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever."
So, Happy New Year to all of you!
I love you all!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Desiderata
I can't believe that I forgot about this poem! It is too beautiful!
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Little Things
When I finish work, I always complain to myself about how I don't want to walk outside because it's freezing cold. I usually have to scrape off all the frost on my windows before I can drive away which adds to the length of time freezing to death - or so it seems. I always walk outside preparing for the worst and then I look up at the sky and stop. I think to myself "Wow. It sure is beautiful tonight!" I pick out Jupiter in the sky and continue walking to my car with a smile on my face. It's nice to admire the little things
It has been a weird year for me. So much and yet so little has happened, but I have felt a cascade of conflicting emotions. In ways my life got worse and in ways it got even better. I guess that's just life though. It's great AND it totally sucks. I've been known to get caught in downward spirals and with all the changes going on in my life, I've had an especially hard time keeping up. I try my best though. I know a lot of people love and care about me, but I know I isolate myself form others. I'm tired of doing this especially since I've been craving more interaction with others. By isolating myself, I am starving for a connection with others. I come home and feel pretty lonely which pushes me into a negative mindset. I always rely on the little things to bring me some happiness.
Tonight, it was the moon. The moon was just a thin curve. It resembled the Chesire cat's smile. It's my favorite phase - the waxing cresent. I see this moon phase as a reminder to smile more. Venus was visible right next to it, both about to set. I was driving as I saw them and could hardly pay attention to the road. Then something cool happened. I saw a shooting star jet across the sky cutting right through the area of where the moon and Venus were. It was really cool and just added to my love of simply seeing the moon and Venus disappear behind the mountains as they set.
A few weeks ago when there was a full moon, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep and got some water. There was a crack in the blinds and I saw some light coming through. I looked outside and saw how my backyard looked in the moonlight and the way that the moon illuminated the bird bath. It was magical. I wish I could have taken a picture, but it was one of those moments where I said to myself "There is no way a camera could capture this magnificence." All I could do is take in the moment, smile, and go back to bed. It has stayed with me since.
Even though my life is an absolute mess, I somehow take comfort in the perfection of nature. There is something strangely poetic about it.
It has been a weird year for me. So much and yet so little has happened, but I have felt a cascade of conflicting emotions. In ways my life got worse and in ways it got even better. I guess that's just life though. It's great AND it totally sucks. I've been known to get caught in downward spirals and with all the changes going on in my life, I've had an especially hard time keeping up. I try my best though. I know a lot of people love and care about me, but I know I isolate myself form others. I'm tired of doing this especially since I've been craving more interaction with others. By isolating myself, I am starving for a connection with others. I come home and feel pretty lonely which pushes me into a negative mindset. I always rely on the little things to bring me some happiness.
Tonight, it was the moon. The moon was just a thin curve. It resembled the Chesire cat's smile. It's my favorite phase - the waxing cresent. I see this moon phase as a reminder to smile more. Venus was visible right next to it, both about to set. I was driving as I saw them and could hardly pay attention to the road. Then something cool happened. I saw a shooting star jet across the sky cutting right through the area of where the moon and Venus were. It was really cool and just added to my love of simply seeing the moon and Venus disappear behind the mountains as they set.
A few weeks ago when there was a full moon, I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep and got some water. There was a crack in the blinds and I saw some light coming through. I looked outside and saw how my backyard looked in the moonlight and the way that the moon illuminated the bird bath. It was magical. I wish I could have taken a picture, but it was one of those moments where I said to myself "There is no way a camera could capture this magnificence." All I could do is take in the moment, smile, and go back to bed. It has stayed with me since.
Even though my life is an absolute mess, I somehow take comfort in the perfection of nature. There is something strangely poetic about it.
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