Silence

Today after work I came home, I changed into a tank top and shorts (I NEVER wear shorts) and sat outside in the sun for the hell of it. I honestly cannot remember the last time I had a chance to just sit in the sun and really appreciate that tingly feeling of sun's warmth on my skin. I closed my eyes, listened to the wind in the trees, and focused on everything that was happening in the present moment. It was great and extremely relaxing. I usually despise the sun, so it was odd for me to do this.

I have always tried to meditate and haven't been able to do it for very long without becoming overwhelmed by the amount of thoughts racing around in my mind. I really need to set aside about 5 or 10 minutes a day to sit in silence although it can be rather frustrating to me. It makes all the difference in the world to feel that relaxed, even if it only lasts a minute and fades as quickly as the relaxation came upon me. For me, beginning meditation is kind of like inviting my anxiety to kick my ass. There always comes a point in my meditation practice where the anxiety completely takes over me where I say, "Well, fuck this" and give up. I know it's good for me to face that anxiety. There is something about silence that makes the raging shit storm in your head seem much worse. However, it's probably better to face your demons then spend your life trying to run from them. I'm learning that while it is incredibly disheartening to find out how screwed up I really am, it's better to be aware of my weaknesses and work on them. I just need to remember to take baby steps instead of focusing on the giant list of everything that is completely wrong with me. I should emphasize the things that I do right - however small THAT list may be in my mind, it really is so much better to focus on my potential instead of focusing on the things I cannot do.

On an unrelated note, the moon looks absolutely beautiful tonight. However fragile meditation makes me, leave it to the moon to heal me a little. <3