2012

Confession: I haven't wished anyone a Happy New Year yet.

The Reason: I was sobbing a few minutes before the new year began. I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed by all the work I need to do in order to get myself to a better place. I thought of all the things I wanted to do with my life from this point on and I felt lonely and the only person I wanted to talk to was Nick. I started thinking about my 2011 mistakes and out of nowhere I thought about the guy I used to like and relived the heartache for a few brief moments. Midnight. I popped a few sleeping pills into my mouth and chased them with a glass of water. Then I got into bed and watch a documentary as always and finally fell asleep around 2 am.

Something weird must have happened during the night because I woke up the next morning ready to start this new year.

I haven’t written anything for awhile because I’ve been doing so much thinking and planning. There are so many things I want to do this year. It’s both exciting and scary.

On New Year’s Eve of 2010, I decided that 2011 would be the year of self-discovery.
So, with that in mind, here’s a break down of 2011:

January-
Heartbroken. I was filled with confusion and regret. Pushed myself in classes to speak up, I got a lot of respect from professors and other people in class. Started to feel proud of myself.

February-
Finally found some resolution to my heartbreak and got the answers I needed to move on.

March-
Worked extremely hard in school. Paid more attention to problems in the world than ever before.

April-
Earned my very first 4.0 gpa in college. Confusion about my future plans really ate at me. Spent most of the month going through lists and lists of possible careers only to feel more confused and lost about what I want to major in.

May-
Heartbreak returned on and off. I bought “George Glass” (my Canon T2i) and spent hours taking pictures.

June-
More answers, more clarity, mixed with more confusion, and more sadness, anxiety and stress. Worked hard at my job only to feel burnt out every day. Went to Yellowstone and literally took THOUSANDS of pictures. I learned a lot about myself on the trip. I realized I had a lot to work on in order to get myself where I want to be in life.

July-
I slammed the book shut on a chapter of my life and decided to focus on finding who I really am by making major changes. I changed my diet and felt happier and healthier.

August
More self-discovery. I started my Fall semester and worked really hard. I started feeling oddly low towards the end of the month. My mind started feeling heavy.

September-
I felt really off. I had a discussion with a friend about feeling severely depressed and anxious for no reason at all. At the end of the month, I got news that a friend of mine passed away weeks before. I completely shut down.

October-
The lowest point of this year…and quite possibly my entire life. After becoming completely preoccupied with thoughts of death and dying, I signed up for therapy.

November-
Started therapy and luckily was assigned to a girl who has a personality that meshes well with mine. She’s laidback, funny, and very compassionate. I realized how horribly I view myself and how my self-loathing is creating major problems in my life. Until I learn to like myself, things are going to be VERY bad for me. I noticed A LOT of my personality flaws. My therapist gently pushes me in the direction to make the necessary changes. Slowly things have been turning around for me.

December-
Continuation of therapy. Finished this semester with a 3.9 gpa. Spent many weeks focusing on where I want to go in life and what I’m going to need to work on in order to get there. These days my depression is a bit more manageable. My anxiety is out of control though and need to work on more relaxation strategies. I can’t seem to sleep at all. I found out that biofeedback is available at my school for free. I need to do it to find out how I relax best. I’ve been really missing my friend Nick, and I think a lot of my sleep problems have something to do with this.

As for 2012:
I have made many plans for this new year. Sure, a lot of it is so I don’t feel hopeless and it’s a strategy to keep me going another day, but I intend on developing a better relationship with myself. I have decided that 2012 will be the year of self-love. I’m going to really focus on liking myself more. It’s going to be rough. My last therapy session made me realize the extreme depth of my self-hatred. It’s bad. It’s really bad. Even my therapist was shocked at how negatively I referred to myself and that I couldn’t even sympathize for a child version of me. It’s no wonder I have no self-esteem. I want to turn this around this year…or at least start. I’ve got 24 years of hating myself to reverse. It’s going to take a lot. I think one of the best strategies I can think of is to do positive journaling. I’m still keeping this blog though. Sure, I’ll probably write negative stuff here as always, but I’m going to try to be a little more encouraging with myself. The keyword here is: TRY.

I’m too negative though and I’ve developed a habit of negative thinking, which is ripping me apart and making it harder for me to live more positively. Sure, I realize that no matter what I do, life won’t be all sunshine, butterflies, and pretty unicorns jumping over rainbows, but the way I think isn’t working for me and it’s not working for the people around me either. I’m ruining my life and I have big dreams that won’t be possible until I get healthier, happier, and more confident. It all starts with becoming my own best friend and then from there I can learn how to let other people into my life.

I found a quote the other day that really struck me and that's because I'm such a perfectionist and making mistakes is humiliating for me. Here it is:

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make new mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

So, Happy New Year to all of you!
I love you all!