"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."~~ Ramona L. Anderson ~~
I have to be honest. It kind of sucks that I'm to the point where I've been searching "how to love myself" on Google. I've been reading article after article and it makes me kind of sad to know that I can't figure this out on my own. I need to consult the internet. It seems like most of these articles contain the "secret" to happiness, but it costs money and you have to attend some workshop across the country. That's just silly to me. The secret to loving yourself shouldn't cost anything at all and tips for learning to love yourself should be made more available. It's sad when you can find more websites on weight loss and dieting than you can on self-esteem and self-love. What the hell kind of self deprecating world is this? Does this not depress the hell out of anyone else?
Sometimes I think it's easy to run away and I'm really good at this. Whenever I panic or something isn't going well, I seem to throw on my figurative "running shoes" and take off running instead of just facing what's really bothering me. I have been so unhappy lately to the point where I've wanted to end it all or simply pack up my bags and move away for good. Here's the problem. What good will running away do for me? Will running away help me learn to face myself? No. Will running away help me build the courage to face my demons and/or stick up for myself? No. Will running away help me find the happiness I am desperate to find? No. Hell, I could move to the moon to get away from all the toxic relationships I have with others and I would still hate myself. I could move to another country for a few months, but will the act alone of moving away do anything to help me find peace with myself? No. That HAS to come from within and all the changes to get me to the point of inner peace have to start with ME.
I'm going to have to push myself pretty hard and change my whole lifestyle if I'm going to learn how to be happy. I stayed up most of last night dwelling on how much I need to change. It's quite overwhelming to realize just how much is completely wrong with me. and THAT is part of the problem. I see everything I do wrong, but why don't I ever focus on what I do right? So, what do I do right?
That's my next problem. I cannot think of a single thing that I like about myself. To be completely honest, I totally get why people eventually turn away from me...I'm so damn negative and I am pushing people away. It's no wonder why people don't stick around - I never let them in. EVER! This morning I woke up and finally acknowledged to myself that I have a massive fear of intimacy. While I already knew this, I always kind of approached it like "Yeah, yeah, not a big deal. So what if I don't like when people touch or hug me?" Now I realize that this goes way beyond physical affection. I don't tell people about myself on purpose. People ask me questions about myself all the time, but I shut down and don't know how to respond. I have literally convinced myself that I am completely uninteresting and no matter what I say, the other person will just write me off or think badly of me before they spend anytime with me to get to know me. It's like I give up on myself and the other person before anything gets going. I'm destroying my relationships with others because of this fear. I've got to get it under control before I really do end up completely alone for the rest of my life. Good thing I have another therapy session this week. I need help with this.
So far I have come up with a short list of things that I want to work on:
- Come up with at least 5 positive words to describe myself (*This one is going to be the toughest for me*)
- Warmly say hi to at least 5 completely random strangers each day
- Compliment at least 1 person when I'm in public and mean it or ask a stranger a question (ex: school, store, restaurant, etc) (*This will scare the hell out of me, but maybe that's a good sign that I should do this*)
- Participate in more community service projects
- Place positive affirmations/statements in places where I will see them daily
- Write my positive experiences in my journal instead of writing about negative experiences only
- Learn to laugh at myself when I make a mistake
- Each month go to one event going on at my school or in the community (ex: plays, shows, dances, etc)
- Learn to accept other people's compliments
- Exercise more
- Meditate daily
- Anytime I look in the mirror, I will say the words "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, Jean Claude Van Dam, I'm fine!" Go here to see where I got this from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqY1TLuZ06Y
That's all I've got so far. When I think of more, I'll post them.
<3 <3 <3
well then I'll have to give you 5 things(!)
ReplyDeleteyou are beautiful inside AND out
you are compassionate
you love nature+animals
you appreciate the true power of music
you are non-judgemental
I like this post a lot JoJo
I think 2/3/8 are really closely linked
if you get one, the others will follow
I think that it's hard to realise people can
see you different to how you see yourself
so smiling/or a general 'I don't care how this
works out cause I've got nothing to lose ... so
I'm just gonna go for it' attitude can only
be a good thing(!)
Aww you are such a sweetheart, George! I appreciate this so much! If there is one thing that therapy has taught me it is just how low my self-esteem really is. It's horrible. I didn't think it was as bad as it is. I am too hard on myself and need to ease up and stop expecting perfection of myself. I'm setting myself up for disappointment living that way.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot socially to work on as well, but I think right now I mostly should focus on developing a better relationship with myself. I think once I gain more self confidence, I will be more willing to be social with people. I used to be outgoing, but then I got shy. It's still there. I just need to be more confident.
Thank you for your kindness, George. I really appreciate it! :)