Things I love and things I am grateful for

Well, Thanksgiving has come to a close, so here's a list of things that I love or that I am grateful for:

- Family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers
- The Twilight saga is finally coming to an end!!!: I will no longer have to listen to girls go ON and ON about the stupid movies coming out.
- Nail clippers: If my nails grow beyond a certain length, they annoy the hell out of me.
- Batman underwear: Yeah, I have some. No shame here!
- Contact lenses: I would shoot myself if I had to wear glasses all the time.
- Coffee: it is pure liquified loveliness.
- My queen sized bed: I don't know how I ever used to sleep in a twin bed. I love sprawling out on my bed.
- Good books & good films: sometimes they are hard to find, but it's a great feeling when you come across one.
- Duct tape: Can you imagine a life without duct tape? It would suck!
- Yellowstone: Do I even need to explain this?
- Sunsets: I love watching sunsets. Yellowstone has the best ones.
- Animals: Wolves, dogs, octopi, foxes, etc. I love em all!
- Post Secret: Who knew that people sharing their secrets would be so inspiring? If you haven't ever checked out Post Secret's blog or read the Post Secret books, start now. It's great. You read some really fucked up shit and you also realize your life is beautiful.
- The internet: It's just so convenient. I remember the days before the internet. It's so funny to think of what life would be like now without it.
- Having the choice to take a warm or cold shower:
- Dirty jokes: They are great. Admit it.
- Dry humor: LOVE IT!
- Cell phone: Although I hate talking on the phone and texting, I'm very attached to my HTC Evo. It keeps me entertained.
- My job: Most days I'm not a big fan of it, but I still have a paycheck.
- My education: I may not have a clue what I'm going to do with my life, but I love learning new things.
- Modern Medicine: I'm glad that medicine and dentistry has come a LONG way in the past 100 years. I can only imagine what getting your wisdom teeth yanked out of your face would feel like 100 years ago.
- Therapy: What can I say? Therapy helps make a crazy brain a little less crazy. I've only had 3 sessions so far and I can already feel the difference.
- MUSIC!!!: I would die without music. It keeps me relatively sane. My love for music has become so intense that I now dissect songs and focus on one piece of the song at a time and how it all ties together. Music has become so much more beautiful to me.
- My height: I used to hate how short I am and while there are some serious disadvantages, the pros outweigh the cons.
- My camera: I am so glad I bought my Canon T2i. I'm still a complete amateur, but I'm finding that I really do have a deep passion for photography. I have so much more to learn and I really want to.
- Access to clean drinking water: Water is my favorite thing in the world. I am truly lucky to live somewhere that I don't have to walk to the nearest well with a bucket on my head anytime my family or I need a drink.
- Living around mountains: Anytime I travel away from mountainous regions into flat areas, I always think the scenery sucks. I love that when I feel the need to get away, I only need to drive 10 or 15 minutes and I'm in the canyon and I can hike around and be alone in nature. I don't think I could live anywhere without mountains.
- My macbook pro: It makes all the difference in the world to have a computer to myself. I don't have to wait for my mom or my sister before I get a turn to use a computer.
- Making it past my 24th birthday: I don’t think many of you realize how surprising this is for me. I think I might actually live to see my 25th birthday, which is such a strange thought.
- Words: There are some words that move me in a way I can't really describe. Maybe only you avid readers will understand what I mean. Language is beautiful.
- Dictionaries: I love that I can discover new words to add to my vocabulary. I used to read the dictionary a few years ago and it actually helped a lot. I still use dictionaries while I read books.
- Color: I would die without the ability to see color. I feel like my early life was surrounded by muted or dull colors and now I crave everything and anything colorful. This ties into my clothing. I love bright clothes or accenting with bright colors.
- Art: I feel lucky to have been born with an innate love of art. I feel even more lucky that I have the ability to draw quite well.
- My body pillow: My favorite thing in the world is spooning my fuzzy black body pillow. It is so soft. I can't sleep very well if I don't cuddle with it.
- Living in a state with distinct seasons: While there is a lot I can't stand about Utah, I love that you can look outside and tell what season it is. I think Autumn and Winter are the most beautiful seasons in Utah.
- Stars & Moon: I love looking up at the stars and night sky. Maybe it's because I'm a nerd who's into stargazing, but it just makes me happy. I have always been in love with the moon. I remember when I was about 3 and my dad used to pull out his telescope and all of my siblings would take turns looking at the moon. It blew my mind to see the moon so big. I think that always stuck with me and now I have an obsession with looking at the moon. My favorite moon phase aside from a full moon is the waxing crescent moon. I love it. Each month I get a perfect view of it where I work.
- Laughing: I love that for the most part I can laugh things off. I have a decent sense of humor and I laugh at everything. Life would suck without laughter.
- Neon colored nail polish: I guess this could be combined with my love of colors. I love obnoxious colored nail polish. The brighter, the better. :)
- Fuzzy socks: They are fabulous. If you ever see me wearing boots, I probably have very colorful fuzzy socks underneath.
- Perfect fitting bras: Okay, only the girls will understand what I mean. It's a great feeling when you find one that is so comfortable that it makes you feel like you're not actually wearing one because it just feels like it's a part of your body. Ill-fitting bras are annoying as hell.
- Sleep: I usually never get a decent night of sleep, but when I do, it's amazing. Sleep is so important.
- Creativity: I am grateful for my own innate creativity and the creativity of others. When other people do creative things, I feel inspired.
- Driving: I love taking drives at night after work playing music. It's how I unwind from a long day.
- Clothes: I'm glad I have clothes and can afford my own clothing.
- Fashion: I'm not necessarily including the fashion industry on this one, but I love that people can use fashion to express themselves.
- Meaningful conversations: I hate small talk. I wish all conversations had more depth. I prefer talking about things that really matter.
- People who have the desire to make the world a better place: I find it inspiring when people genuinely want to help the world. It's so rare.
- Compassion: Again, this too is a rarity, but it is so beautiful when someone shows compassion for another person.
- Potatoes: They are so tasty. My family teases me so much about my love of potatoes and how everyone should take how much of the potatoes they want because I'll eat up the rest. Ha!
- Journals: I've kept a journal since I was 9. I'm glad I still keep one even though I don't write as often as I should.
- Earth: I think we really take this planet for granted and disrespect it far too much.
- When people actually listen to what others have to say: Another beautiful thing that I love to see.
- Self-checkout at grocery stores: When I'm feeling particularly anti-social or I'm buying a box of tampons with all male cashiers, I love that I can do my own thing.
- Adversity: The hard times are what really shape us and make us better people
- Rain and snow: I love any and all stormy weather.
- The smell of winter air: I love that the air is so pure that it almost burns your lungs.
- Cuddling: Although I'm not a touchy person at all, cuddling is fabulous with the right person.
- AFI: I know, you're probably saying "Oh shut up, we get it already! You love AFI!" Yes, I do. I really do. AFI is the band that changed my life. After discovering them after falling away from my church, their music cradled me through the madness. They also inspired me to dive into other forms of art, especially reading. I used to not read very much, but when I got into AFI, their lyrics made me want to devour entire libraries and educate myself about everything. AFI stands for A Fire Inside. Well, the band lit a fire inside of me. It hasn't gone out. Let's hope it never does.
- Hugs: Again, not a touchy person, but when you get a meaningful hug from someone you adore, it's truly the greatest feeling in the world.
- Leaving the LDS church: Although this decision has created a lot of difficulty in certain aspects of my life, what I have gained as a result is truly amazing. I have discovered meaningful friendships and have had the ability to get to know myself on my own terms. It has been a challenging ride, but every day it keeps getting better and better.
- The unknown: It makes life interesting to not know what will happen next.
- Asking questions: I'm grateful that I have always been a curious person and feel the need to always ask "Why?"
- Barbecue sauce: I never realized how much I loved barbecue sauce until I got my wisdom teeth out last year. I'm addicted to it. I haven't gone a week since without pouring barbecue sauce on something.
- Electricity: Although I love the times where I can go camping and get away from electricity, you have to admit electricity is so convenient in this day and age. Everything you do changes when your power goes out.
- My car: Sure, I wish I had a nicer car, but my car still gets me from a to b. I've had it since I was 17 and it still hasn't completely broken down (knock on wood!!!)
- Hiking trails: I love hiking. I don't do it nearly enough. I love that there are plenty of trails close by.
- Kind strangers: I love when complete strangers are nicer than your own friends. It's lovely to know that kind people are out there.
- Men’s facial hair: Now, I'm not a big fan of burly beards (unless it totally just suits you and your personality), but well kept facial hair/scruff is hot.
- Every person I have ever met in my life: Even if a person is a friend or an enemy, I learn so much from my experiences with other people. There isn't a person I can think of that I regret meeting.
- Mangoes & pineapples: I love fruit, but mangoes and pineapples top the list! They are incredible!
- My ipod: I probably use my ipod more than a normal person. I'm shocked that my ipod still works. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before I need to buy a new one. I'm so happy it has lasted this long.
- My PS3: I don't play video games that much, but I always enjoy it when I get a chance to play for a few minutes.
- Netflix: I LOVE Netflix! I always fall asleep to the instant streaming documentaries at night.
- Tiny Buddha: This website is amazing. I have received a lot of good advice from it. It provides me with a good daily inspirational thought.
- The smell of book stores/libraries: I believe I have brought this up before, but I really do love the smell of lots of books.
- Concerts and shows: Even though I’m socially awkward, I end up meeting a lot of people in line who end up becoming my buddies that I go to shows with in the future. I have met many people this way and we are still in touch. I love it. In addition to meeting people, I am much less shy at shows - singing at the top of my lungs, dancing, etc. I need to go to more. I miss them.
- My determination: I can be very driven to do things and when I am determined, I WILL do it and nobody can stop me. Sometimes I forget that I have this ability.
- Narwhals: Ah, the unicorns of the ocean. They are pretty great. I have loved narwhals ever since I saw the random one in the movie Elf.
- The way I feel in water: I love water. While I'm afraid of swimming in large bodies of water, I love sitting in water. It feels amazing.
- The way a horse's lips rub against your hand when you feed it: LOVE LOVE LOVE this!!! It makes me want horses when I'm older. Anytime I see a horse, I always want to feed it so I can feel their lips on my hand. It makes me giggle.
- Doughnuts with sprinkles: I have loved them ever since I was a kid. They are heaven for the mouth.
- Trees: I have an obsession with trees, especially bare trees in winter.
- Fall and winter: Yep, they are my favorite seasons.
- The sound of rain: I love listening to rain outside my window while I sleep.
- Candles & Incense: Love scented candles and incense. This reminds me that I need to buy some incense.
- Massages: I love that I feel so relaxed after a full body massage that I can barely walk.
- Bubble baths: I only have a shower in my bathroom so I don't get to take bubble baths very often unless I take over my sister's bathtub. They are fantastic. Every girl should take frequent bubble baths and feel like a queen.
- Campfires: I love the smell of campfires. I also love to play with fire. Roasting marshmallows over a campfire is one of my favorite things ever.
- Opinions: When I'm not so shy, I love when I am able to express my own opinions.
- Dreams: A lot of my dreams are quite morbid, but most of them are hilarious. My dreams keep my creativity alive.
- Bodies of water: I love oceans, lakes, rivers, streams, waterfalls, etc. I find the reflections of light off the water is so beautiful.
- Wildlife: It may sound cheesy, but I think people can learn a lot from wildlife by observing them.
- Inspirational quotes: I have quote journals that I fill with quotes so I can go back to them at anytime I feel the need for inspiration in my life.
- Soy milk & soy ice cream: I am lactose intolerant, so i can enjoy both in large quantities without getting sick.
- Social Media: I know, lame, but I am grateful for Facebook and blogs... it keeps me in touch with people I don't get to see on a regular basis.
- My ability to pick up on languages quite easily: I have been trying to learn about language and various languages since I was a kid. I guess all of the independent study I did on languages has helped my ability to pick up on languages.
- Instruments: I love instruments and I wish I could have a room full of them. I only have a piano and a guitar. I want to learn to play them better. I also want to learn to play bass and get a drum kit.
- My art teachers: If it weren't for my art teachers (I'm excluding Mrs Hook here - she destroyed art for me by accusing me of cheating on an art assignment because I drew better than she did) I would probably not be interested in art at all. They were patient and worked hard with me to improve my art weaknesses. Mr Rees introduced me to a book called Art & Fear that has helped me a lot with my insecurities with art making. Maybe I need to pull it out and read it again, because I haven't drawn anything in about a year.
- Heartbreak: My friend used to always say "Heartbreak is good for the soul" and she's absolutely right. It makes you much stronger.
- Enemies: I learn more from my enemies than I do from friends.
- High heels/boots/shoes: I love shoes! But, I'm also a girl so this shouldn't be surprising to anyone. Haha!
- Mountain Dew: I drink this at work all the time especially when I'm falling asleep at my desk. It's great stuff!
- Foreign accents: I love accents. Australian and Scottish accents are my favorite. They make me happy.
- Artists and musicians who strive to do something original: I love when artists take risks and have the balls to at least attempt to do something they've never done before even though it may put them in jeopardy with their fan base or the art or music industry.
- Getting letters from people in the mail: While emails are great, handwritten letters in the mail are my favorite!
- Colorful pens: Black and blue ink pens are so overrated. In school, I have to take notes with different ink colors because I am more likely to read my notes.
- Disneyland: I LOVE it! I have only been 3 times in my entire life, but I totally turn into a little kid and embarrass the hell out of my sisters when we go. I want to go on everything...100 times. I remember I made my sisters go on Pirates of the Caribbean 3 times in a row and The Haunted Mansion twice. Ah, Disneyland...
- Lotion: I would die without lotion. Everyone at my work knows that I've got lotion or they say "it smells like Japanese Cherry Blossom...it must be Jo!"
- Jolly Ranchers: As long as it's not the yellow or purple ones, I love them!
- Ibuprofen: I get migranes a lot, so ibuprofen saves me.
- Braless days: Again, only the girls will understand this, but it's so nice to give the girls a breather once in awhile.
- Reese’s: I'm addicted!
- New socks & underwear: Yeah, it really is great!
- Random animal sightings: I love this! If I see anything out of the usual seagull or ordinary bird that you see all the time, I get excited. I was running late for work once and a deer ran right in front of my car in the most bizarre place possible. It made my entire day! Even if I see hawks, ravens, or an unidentified shore bird, I'm on cloud 9.
- Singing a song only to turn on the radio and hear it playing: It kind of scares me when this happens especially if I'm singing the exact part of the song that on the radio after you turn it on. I love when it happens though. It makes me laugh (but what doesn't?)
- Vegetarian/Vegan recipes: I try to eat vegetarian or vegan whenever possible, so I always love tasty veg recipes.
- Funny movies: Sure, I love serious movies too, but funny movies are great! I'm always up for laughing.
- Seeing old couples still in love: It's so sweet to find a couple who have a lasting relationship. You don't see very many happy couples these days.
- Saag paneer & naan: Saag paneer is my favorite indian dish. Okay, there are many others, but lately I've been addicted to it. It looks like death, but it tastes like a dream. Naan is fabulous too!
- People watching: Sounds stalker-ish, but I like watching the way people interact with each other.
- In-person communication: I usually hate talking on the phone and texting. I prefer talking to people in person most of the time because I feel you get to know them better that way.
- Little Caeser’s Breadsticks: I LOVE THEM!!!
- I still haven’t broken a bone (knock on wood!)
- People tend to love sitting next to me during movies: because of how much I laugh or the sarcastic remarks I make throughout a movie
- Freshly sharpened graphite pencils: I love having sharp pencils for sketching
- Fake eyelashes: They are so much fun!
- Putting on clothes that come out of the dryer: In winter, I love putting my clothes in the dryer for a few minutes and then putting them on. It just makes me feel extra warm.
- Freshly washed sheets: I love the feeling of clean sheets!

Learning how to love myself...

"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."

~~ Ramona L. Anderson ~~

I have to be honest. It kind of sucks that I'm to the point where I've been searching "how to love myself" on Google. I've been reading article after article and it makes me kind of sad to know that I can't figure this out on my own. I need to consult the internet. It seems like most of these articles contain the "secret" to happiness, but it costs money and you have to attend some workshop across the country. That's just silly to me. The secret to loving yourself shouldn't cost anything at all and tips for learning to love yourself should be made more available. It's sad when you can find more websites on weight loss and dieting than you can on self-esteem and self-love. What the hell kind of self deprecating world is this? Does this not depress the hell out of anyone else?

Sometimes I think it's easy to run away and I'm really good at this. Whenever I panic or something isn't going well, I seem to throw on my figurative "running shoes" and take off running instead of just facing what's really bothering me. I have been so unhappy lately to the point where I've wanted to end it all or simply pack up my bags and move away for good. Here's the problem. What good will running away do for me? Will running away help me learn to face myself? No. Will running away help me build the courage to face my demons and/or stick up for myself? No. Will running away help me find the happiness I am desperate to find? No. Hell, I could move to the moon to get away from all the toxic relationships I have with others and I would still hate myself. I could move to another country for a few months, but will the act alone of moving away do anything to help me find peace with myself? No. That HAS to come from within and all the changes to get me to the point of inner peace have to start with ME.

I'm going to have to push myself pretty hard and change my whole lifestyle if I'm going to learn how to be happy. I stayed up most of last night dwelling on how much I need to change. It's quite overwhelming to realize just how much is completely wrong with me. and THAT is part of the problem. I see everything I do wrong, but why don't I ever focus on what I do right? So, what do I do right?

That's my next problem. I cannot think of a single thing that I like about myself. To be completely honest, I totally get why people eventually turn away from me...I'm so damn negative and I am pushing people away. It's no wonder why people don't stick around - I never let them in. EVER! This morning I woke up and finally acknowledged to myself that I have a massive fear of intimacy. While I already knew this, I always kind of approached it like "Yeah, yeah, not a big deal. So what if I don't like when people touch or hug me?" Now I realize that this goes way beyond physical affection. I don't tell people about myself on purpose. People ask me questions about myself all the time, but I shut down and don't know how to respond. I have literally convinced myself that I am completely uninteresting and no matter what I say, the other person will just write me off or think badly of me before they spend anytime with me to get to know me. It's like I give up on myself and the other person before anything gets going. I'm destroying my relationships with others because of this fear. I've got to get it under control before I really do end up completely alone for the rest of my life. Good thing I have another therapy session this week. I need help with this.

So far I have come up with a short list of things that I want to work on:

- Come up with at least 5 positive words to describe myself (*This one is going to be the toughest for me*)
- Warmly say hi to at least 5 completely random strangers each day
- Compliment at least 1 person when I'm in public and mean it or ask a stranger a question (ex: school, store, restaurant, etc) (*This will scare the hell out of me, but maybe that's a good sign that I should do this*)
- Participate in more community service projects
- Place positive affirmations/statements in places where I will see them daily
- Write my positive experiences in my journal instead of writing about negative experiences only
- Learn to laugh at myself when I make a mistake
- Each month go to one event going on at my school or in the community (ex: plays, shows, dances, etc)
- Learn to accept other people's compliments
- Exercise more
- Meditate daily
- Anytime I look in the mirror, I will say the words "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, Jean Claude Van Dam, I'm fine!" Go here to see where I got this from: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GqY1TLuZ06Y

That's all I've got so far. When I think of more, I'll post them.

<3 <3 <3

Strange & Beautiful: Random Loveliness - Part 2

My warning still stands...there may or may not be slight nudity in the following pics.

Here we go again...

<3

Every dot is a galaxy