An Explanation...

Many of you have expressed concern about me lately or have simply said "What the hell is wrong with you?" I feel like I owe some kind of an explanation.

Simply put:
Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder

The Lengthy Response:
Lately, I feel like I've been stuck in a pirouette of sorts and not in a good, fulfilling, or graceful way. I seem to be trapped in some endless circle. I'm turning and turning and turning, but instead of trying a different "dance move", I just keep spinning and spinning because I'm so used to it and the discomfort it causes me. I feel no direction and my world often seems to be spinning out of control. Even if I am able to get a hold of myself and stop spinning, the world around me is still warped and continues to spin as I struggle to gain balance. I'm exhausted and completely beaten down. Even though the sun may be shining outside, my world seems completely dark. I see smiling people every day and I envy them. I wish I could laugh and genuinely feel the joy of the moment. I can still smile and laugh, but it's more out of desperation than anything else. I miss feeling the sunlight on my face. It has been months.

My mind feels heavy. I don't know if very many of you understand that feeling unless you have experienced depression yourself. Depression isn't necessarily a melodramatic sob fest. I haven't been crying lately (maybe that's part of the problem). There's just a general heaviness that takes over your entire body. You feel like your body is a dead weight, but like it is floating all at the same time. You are constantly tired and it seems that weights are hanging from your eyelids. Combined with all the heaviness, reality starts to feel almost dreamlike and even your reaction times slow down. Most of the time you would prefer to curl up in a ball under your covers than face the world again. You can't hide yourself in your room though, so despite the pain, the heaviness, and the overall discomfort, you force yourself back into every day living in a seemingly cold, colorless world. I've always been able to maintain some level of optimism, so that and my sense of humor seem to make things slightly better, but even my sense of humor seems to be slipping away. That scares me most of all because my humor is my biggest coping mechanism.

I've found myself praying lately. Yes, I said it - Praying. "Holy crap! You?" Yes, me. I'm not sure to whom or what I am praying to, but sometimes I get really desperate for any kind of comfort, even if it is speaking with a higher something or someone that is imaginary (...or is it?) Still desperate to talk to something or someone, I decided to start talking to my dead friend, Nick, as though he were sitting with me. (He was the one I went to when things got bad and he was always able to cheer me up immediately and help me see everything in such a different, more meaningful light.) This made things about a million times worse because I soon realized that my depression has become so bad that I am now pretending to talk with a dead person. I guess desperate times really do call for desperate measures...what can I say?

I seem to have turned to escapism in many forms...music, movies, video games, books, etc. I'm not sure escapism is what I should be focusing on right now though. I really just need to dig at the real issues that are devouring me. I feel like my problems with depression is like an extremely stubborn wart. Sure, you can hack the thing off with a razor blade, but if you don't dig and cut deep enough to remove the root and seeds, it will just grow back and possibly just as ugly as before.

The biggest reason I have decided to write this whole thing is because of an extra credit project for my Psychology class. We are to come up with a self-defining memory from our past that is so vivid that it stuck with you. It is supposed to be a memory that is either good or bad. It needs to be a memory that if you told someone, they would be able to see why you are the way you are today. Then we are to write about it and answer a bunch of questions about the memory and what other memories it brings back. I have quite a few memories that I could say are self-defining, but they are all very negative and very painful.

Today, while I was at work, I started writing a list of memories and found myself overwhelmed by the strong emotions I felt as I began to write them down. It was like I was reliving them. I started shaking uncontrollably trying to fight back tears. I was a nervous wreck while answering the phone at work and fumbled over every word I said, which had the people on the other end asking if I knew what I was doing. So much for professionalism and my ability to whip through my calls quickly and efficiently. I was in awe at how forcefully those memories crashed down on me and how much power I had given them. On one hand, it made me see a reason for my current madness, but it scared me how quickly it took over me and affected everything presently. I now realize that there are so many roots to this current bout of depression that I need to speak with a therapist. (Some of you may already know about my decision to see a therapist...)

I guess I am writing this because I need to be more open about my problems with depression because some people are worried about me. I am certainly not writing this to scare you or make anyone feel guilty. I sometimes feel like with how distant, reclusive, and cold I can be makes people feel really uncomfortable around me. My distance is not because I hate you, it is due to a constant shit storm going on in my head and I pull away because I'm afraid my bouts of negativity will further push people away. (I know, that logic really sucks.) I don't want you to feel like you have to walk on egg shells around me or that I need special attention or anything like that. I'm not asking for a pity party as much as I am asking for friendship at this time. Please know that the highlight of my day is being around happy people. Sure, I'm feeding off of the happiness, but it's a little reminder to me that life is still precious and beautiful. Even if I'm a bit distant, don't take offense. I'm probably just sorting through negative thoughts so that I can enjoy myself more fully and I don't want to take you down with me.

Starting therapy means ripping open old wounds and letting a complete stranger into my mind and sharing the crazy thoughts and ramblings I would NEVER share with another soul. It is not an easy thing for me. It's hard to expose my deep self-loathing and my insecurities. It is difficult to share the reasons why I completely incapable of handling relationships and why it is easier for me to push away the people I love most even though I do want them to be closer.

I am worried about my emotional state after my first few therapy sessions. The first few are the worst and depression usually increases significantly. I don't know if I will be put on meds or not so I don't know what kind of person I'm going to be for the next few weeks or months. I'm really nervous about going to therapy. I feel like this is kind of my last shot at life. If it fails, then I'm kind of screwed.

I want to apologize for how I have been acting lately. I haven't been a good friend and I know I have been distant and not really willing to talk to people or sometimes I have been so removed from reality that I have forgotten that there were people sitting next to me. I'm going to try to work on this and be more open about myself. Hence, this ridiculously long...confessional.

I genuinely love each and every one of you even though I'm not the best at making this known. Many of you have been extremely supportive already and I am truly grateful for your continuing love and support. It is what gets me through the day.

Thank you and I love you!

Too Perfect

Earlier this week the weather was sunny and in the mid-80's, but yesterday the rain clouds moved in. Last night, while standing in an abandoned parking lot in the pouring rain, I could smell it...snow. I could tell from the fresh scent in the air that it had to be snowing in the mountains or that it would.

I love the rain and snow. So did my friend Nick. He was a snowboarder and always got extremely excited when it was going to snow. He would joke around about how he invented a weather machine and he and his "evil" cat were responsible for anytime it snowed. He always made comments about how he was going to turn on his weather machine and blanket everything in snow.

Last night in the parking lot when I caught that scent in the air I got a little teary eyed, but slightly laughed and said out loud, "Nick, you and your damn weather machine!" because I used to say that to him all the time. I went to bed feeling lighter in my heart than usual and I slept well.

Last night I had nothing but dreams of snow, but when I woke up this morning, I was afraid to look outside and not see the mountains covered in white. If there wasn't any snow, it would have been devastating to me. Why? Because I've been struggling dealing with the fact that Nick is gone now, but through the snow, it made me feel like he's still around and making jokes about turning on his weather machine.

I hesitantly opened my door and looked outside. The mountains were covered by clouds so I couldn't see anything, but that fresh scent of snow overwhelmed the air. I figured there was at least a little bit of snow on the mountains. I closed the door and got ready for the day. I left the house later on to get some lunch. While driving, I felt like shit as usual until the clouds over the mountains started to clear and I saw that it had in fact snowed. If Nick were still around, I already knew what he would say and how happy he would be. For a few moments, even though gone, he was alive with me in my heart.

Wanting to make the most of the snow before it melts, I took another drive up the canyon. It was perfection. The trees were covered with leaves in every shade of red, orange, yellow, and green. Higher up on the mountains, the pine trees were dusted with snow. The combination was so beautiful that it was impossible for me to take pictures even though I had my camera. Absolutely NONE of them captured how beautiful it really was. I eventually gave up and realized some things are just too perfect and too beautiful that sometimes you just have to let those things remain a memory in your mind instead of trying to capture its soul with a picture.

It may sound incredibly silly, but I would relate that to my friendship with Nick. Anytime this week I have tried to explain to others what Nick meant to me, it has failed miserably. I have been able to get close, but not enough to nail it on the head. Maybe that's because our friendship was just too perfect and beautiful to describe in words. It could only be felt...and possibly only between us.

Today, I felt his presence in the snow and for the first time in a week, I genuinely smiled.

Nick and his damn weather machine...